Monday, October 6, 2008

My Thoughts

My eyes start to water from the semi blinding vibrant light shining through the bulbs of my ceiling fan. I look away and close my eyes to see what type of picture might form if I close them tight enough. The outline of the bulbs resembles an animal, or a distorted smiley face, or even a butterfly. I'm not certain, the size keeps changing. I quickly open my eyes and the white shapes start to fade. I turn on my side restlessly, in hopes that I'll find more comfort in that position and might be able to fall asleep. Unfortunately, no matter which way I might lay, sleep is ultimately unattainable.

You see, my body is utterly exhausted but my mind never rests. My thoughts keep me up at night, they strangle any possibility of assurance, equanimity, or peace. They walk me through the repetitive occurrences of my day, week, and hidden conflicts within myself. Every conversation, situation, and circumstance is replayed in my mind, only to make me question my own judgment and social abilities. Sometimes, I'm very constructive in my reasoning and encouraging depending on the situation but other times I'm my worst critic. In all honesty, I do very little to try and prevent these these thoughts from strangling my much desired dreams. I only encourage them by giving unnecessary attention to the seeds of doubt, worry, and insecurity that take deep root in my mind and are ultimately responsible for my lack of sleep.

Ah yes, it is not my thoughts that kill my peace, but it is my free will that destroys it.

The battlefield of the Human Mind.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" -2 Corinthians 10:3-5, NIV


John said...

I've had many a night with no sleep because of my mind opened up at full speed. It's tough to let things go and trust in God.

Good night.

dazedANDconfused said...

wow are you good.
you just described my nights.
thoughts just never seems to rest. constantly going over what you did wrong that day, what you did, what everyone thinks of you. it's exhausting.
almost two in the morning. and yet still can't seem to sleep.

Katie Wilbur said...

I know this is from a long time ago! And I know you probably will never get to this, But I just want you to know you inspire me!! :D