Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I fear

that I'm afraid of feeling anything outside of what I've known for the past 3 years.

3 years of my life
I've kept friendships minimal
to avoid feeling what it was like to lose someone I cared about

I've avoided social gatherings
to escape the feeling of being alone in a crowded room.

I've avoided relationships
because I remember how bad it hurts to give my heart away.

When any of these feelings start to become more of a possibility
I lose my grip, my footing, and my confidence in my complacency.

I'm afraid to feel more than I have felt.

I don't want to hurt
but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

I believe there's more to grasp than the grip.

and I can't escape or avoid how I feel right now.



I blame my heart.


"The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith" -1 Timothy 1:5

29 comments:

kristin said...

This is really heart-felt Meghan. It echoes what is inside my heart too.

Nathan Alvarez said...

You have valid points here. While each of the fears you've listed have major validity in our society and in our human nature's, we have to remember that God will not let us wander so far off the road that He can't bring us back. He will never tempt us nor let us be tempted beyond what we can bare. While there will be struggles in this life, take heart knowing that you're a daughter of the Most High and that the King looks upon you with favor. He loves you Meghan more than you understand. Don't be afraid to let him bless you.

BocaDelcielo said...

always in the continuous searching of the right person to share our lifes...

Anonymous said...

You are because you feel.

CAlex6977 said...

Thank you Meghan. You have spoken the exact words from my mind. Life is a struggle I still havent figured out in all my years. I completely identify with what you said. Sometimes I just wish someone would reach out and shake me out of this mental state. Alas we just continue to wait. Good luck.

Cody A. Ferguson said...

I fear also.

Eden said...

I felt like you for the past few years. But after a while I was just thinking that if everybody lives, why can't I ?

So I did, I changed radically my life and I tried to go trought all my fears. I still fear. Sometimes way too much to keep going.
But I learn to live, slowly, learn to go out.

I take care of the ones I care about, I care about people that earn my trust. And I met faboulus people.

I don't feel alone in a crowded room because I understood that I was just excluding myself. Now, I try to stop.

I choose carefully the one I gave my heart to. It's still hard because he left my life. But I learn that only time and love can cure love.

Dear Meghan, look at the road in front of you and starts slowly to walk. Trust God for the path he gave you.
You will be fine, I know it.

Stop fearing your fears. Live.

Anonymous said...

Hi Meghan,
Your blog is easy for me to relate to. Sometimes I stay stuck in loneliness and sadness because I am afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone and feeling beyond what is usual. This is based on years of bad experiences and my only advice is that you do whatever you can to hold onto what you have and maybe take little steps beyond emotional barriers, because the more you avoid something, the harder it gets. Three years can easily turn into four or five.
That said, it is important to protect yourself and your heart from being hurt.
Thank you for being so honest.

aur said...

We've all felt these things at one time or another and these emotions remind us that we're all a part of each other.

This goes out to everyone.

Someone's out there waiting for us to change their life and you can't confine yourself to little circles because complacency does turn into emotional stagnation. And a heart doesn't mend unless you exercise it with new emotions in different conditions.

Only we truly know who we were in the past and we only know who we are now. We know our strengths now and we can't let past ghosts hold us back.

thesoniscoming said...

girl. i. so. feel. ya.

mhhhm 1 Timothy is such a good one.

I just want you to have this bit of encouragement:

I'm not gonna say I have words of comfort, but I do want you to know I feel that so right on, right now. I am not willing to push past this bubble that will allow me to get too close to people.
I. so. fear.
I am realizing I got a lot of fear right now. I am realizing my weakness. I got a lot of them.
Saying all this may have not done anything for ya, but sometimes it is so good to know your goin along the road and someone says, hey I feel ya! :)

God is good. I'm trying to not let go of that. Despite all the hurt and fear. I'm not gonna let go of that. :)

you. are. an encouragement. Meghan.
you. really. are.

"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious."
1 Peter 2:4

igneousmoon said...

*hug*

Anonymous said...

I think you're right in not avoiding these feelings, you're feeling them for a reason. Honestly, Meghan - you're a human being. You need to find a balance that is right for you. Religion isn't about being restrained, I'm sure you know that. You need to live your life the way you feel is right.

Aaron said...

Meghan I just wanted to first off say that the fact that you are struggling with this is evidence God is working in you! (to make you more Christ like)

But yeah I don't know if I can relate quite as much with what your struggling with. Bur I do struggle with what people thing of me and do at times feel like I'm alone in a crowded room.

God has been giving me grace lately to step out a bit more with people. I still tho struggle with it a bit tho.

Now lastly and most importantly!! Let me say as a brothers in Christ to a sister that as sinners we are going to hurt people! Whether we mean to or not. Christian or non we all are fellow sinners. It really makes me not take Jesus and his love shown on the cross not as much for granted. People will let you down and hurt you. Most of the time I believe it's not meant but as sinners we do. But thank God that he perfectly loves you Meghan! He died a death he didn't deserved all so he could be in a relationship with you! And right now is seated at the right hand of God interceding for you! (Romans 8:34)

Thanks for being honest once again Meghan with your subs! It is awesome to B one of those subs! Blog post like that remind me I'm not alone running the Christian race. :)

Bro in Christ, Aaron

Anonymous said...

I blame your pastors.

Tom Sawyer said...

*hug*

We'd never get anywhere if we let our fears control our lives. :)

Anonymous said...

@Aaron, what the hell is the Christian race? I doubt your convoluted post is going to make her feel any better.

v8ster said...

One note with fear is that it limits experience by hiding behind it, faith can also manifest in the self, be it helped via another medium i.e. religion or experience, and self faith/belief is the key to get past your fears. Remember; "Every cloud.."

V8ster

Aimee said...

Meghan, your honesty and sincerity is so admirable.

As the others have said, you are not alone.

I can't judge how well they relate to you, because I am not them. But I am me.

And I can tell you, that the words you have written, have echoed the feelings in my heart.

I keep myself at a distance from people - so much in fact, that I have had no social contact other than school and church.

But know this.

There is Someone who created you to love, and be loved.

And when it seems that everyone else has given up on you, hurt you, left you, deceived you...

He is still at your side. He still loves you. He simply is.

It's hard at times. I know. But that's the beauty of life. So that when we struggle, when we fear, when we hurt, all we have to do is trust.

And it all works out.

I love you.

i-self said...

Meghan, i see your point.But like what Eden has said " stop fearing your fears".
I am also learning to "let go" and trying to live my current life now

And i know we both can get through this.=)..

Joanne Amos said...

Thank God I read to the end and Praise God that you have God.

Akshayxpear said...

naice..:) :)

hv a luk at my sketches..at http://www.akshaychugh.blogspot.com

Felix / Finn6789 said...

Friendship is about going and let go. I guess most people are afraid of losing someone, but that kind living kills yourself.
There are people I care about and there are people I did care about, before we hurt each other. Or probably just they hurt me. It's different from situation to situation. But I can hold on to experiences I had of these friendships and there always are great memories I carried on from that. I've learned a lot from friendships and I had great times because of friendships and I'm not willing to give up any of those. IMO everyone should always remember that.

You are never alone. God is there. People are with you in their minds. ALWAYS. Especially with you, since you've got great fans. :> AND THAT'S NOT UNREASONED!

A relationship is greater than any friendship. I do not think that you are a person that falls in love with anyone. I think with the people you "choose" you will have great times, since I think you choose wisely. :) And then it's comparable to a friendship. The feeling of having a person that makes the cold world around you warm, that makes you finally feel warm even inside, just by presence. It's unforgettable. And then there will be a time when you find THE person. Well, in my opinion, since I believe in the great, big love in life. :x With all my heart. BUT ANYWAYS!, yup. Don't forget how great love CAN feel, when you find the right person all hurtings will have been worth it.
By avoiding people you're making it possible that you miss the greatest people you will ever get to know, though.
So IMO avoiding is no way.

And trust me, you have no reason to lose any selfconfidence. You're a great person, as far as I got to know. I'm having more fun writing such a long text than ever before, because I do it for a person I care about. After a great new experience after watching the first vlog I'm interested in :D, admiring your appearence (not your look [at least not mainly your look.] but the character I got to see as outsider) and learning tons of stuff from you. Some of the thinkings I've written about in this message were developed after watching some of your videos. You don't need grip, but you need confidence. What you do is good enough. You're smarter than the most and you should be confident of it. Yes, easy said. But possible, I've made the experience also.

Thank you for everything you gave me. And thank you if you seriously read through that.

Curious George said...

What a wonderful posting. Honestly, I don't usually care for religious blogs, but your's seems so honest, it's hard not to enjoy your postings.
I love the rythm of your language. You have a wonderful ear for language.

aandiee rrandomm said...

meghan..this is amazing..
you have no idea how much this speaks to me..

not giving your heart away cause you know how bad it hurts..avoiding social situations..

you're an amazing person!! thank you for everything you've done for me..

Anonymous said...

lollll jesus makes people eat their babies

Colonal Jesip said...

You have a way with words.

Cortez Frank said...

You better turn to your heart physician

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